Should I tell?

My sexual partner
My ex-sexual partners
A new sexual partner
Family
Friends
Work
Doctors
Dentists
Pharmacists
Complementary health practitioners
Children

When you first learn that you are HIV positive, or later when you are going through a difficult time, you may feel the desire to unburden yourself and tell somebody about your HIV status. We all react to difficult and stressful situations in different ways and there is no single right answer about whom you should tell and when is the best time to tell them.

However it is important to think carefully about whom you are going to tell, why you want to tell them and how you will cope if they react badly. Remember, you can always tell someone later but you can never take the information back once you have told someone. It is also important to recognise that telling family and friends is very different from telling a sexual partner. And telling an employer may have serious personal and financial consequences if the employer does not follow best practice guidelines.

If you decide to tell someone you have HIV, think carefully about what you are going to tell them, and how, where and when you are going to do this. Also think about how they are going to react and prepare the answers to questions that you think they may ask you.

Be clear about whom they can and cannot tell. You don’t want to lose control over who knows that you have HIV.

Be prepared in case:

You get unkind or hurtful reactions
You suffer discrimination or rejection
You tap into their prejudices about sexuality, illness, disability, race or HIV itself
You are asked intrusive questions about your health or feelings
The person you tell is very upset or doesn’t understand and you feel under pressure to offer them your support
The person you tell feels under pressure to offer you support and feels they do not have the skills or ability to do so

Each time you think about telling someone that you have HIV ask yourself the following questions:

Why do I want to tell them?
How will they react?
Can they keep it to themselves?
How will I tell them?

Deciding to tell or not is your own choice and will depend on your own personal values. Thinking carefully about your own needs, fears, and expectations will help you decide what is right for you. It may be easier to think through the issues with the help of a professional with experience in the area. ACET Support Workers can help you to do this. (see How to access Support Services )


If you have HIV it is important that you have a clear picture of the law. Since 2003 a small number of people have gone to jail for transmitting HIV, when they had not informed their sexual partner that they were HIV positive and then had sex without a condom.
It is important to understand that reckless transmission of HIV has to be proved for a successful prosecution. However, the legal situation around transmission of HIV is evolving with each court case and any information should be checked for accuracy in the light of recent developments. Detailed information and up to date advice can be found at www.tht.org.uk/prosecutions

If you have spent time discussing having an HIV test with your partner you will probably have a good idea what their reaction will be. If you didn’t discuss this, think about the practicalities of telling your partner and what their reaction might be. The news could introduce new concerns and pressures into your relationship. Your partner may be worried about his or her own health and want to have an HIV test.

You may be worried about other difficulties which may arise, for example the possibility of losing your home, domestic problems or violence. Help and support with all these issues is available from your clinic or from the Support Workers at ACET .


It can be very difficult telling ex-partners and past sexual contacts that you have HIV.

Whether or not you can, or even need to, tell them can depend on a number of factors, such as what your relationship was like with them, the kind of sex you had with them, whether you think they would want to know and whether you want them to know.

Staff at the GUM clinic can contact your ex-partners and sexual contacts without giving any of your details away.


It is important to know that the ’reckless’ transmission of HIV is a crime and several people have been sent to prison in the UK after they infected a sexual partner (or partners) with HIV. The cases have involved people who did not tell their partners they were HIV-positive before having unprotected sex. More information and up to date advice can be found at www.tht.org.uk/prosecutions

You should also consider the fact that you are most infectious during the early stages of HIV infection.

As with telling any other person, it is worth thinking about why you want to tell a sexual partner. Reasons may include:

That you may want to engage in sexual behaviour which carries a high risk of transmission
So that it makes it easier to make informed decisions together about sex
Protection against a later accusation of ’reckless’ transmission

Nevertheless, some people argue that it is the responsibility of HIV negative people to protect their own health.

Timing can be important when talking to new sexual partners about HIV. It may be difficult to talk about HIV when you first meet someone, but putting it off may cause problems later, if your partner can’t accept the situation.

Family

Many people find telling their family very difficult. Breaking the news to your parents, brothers or sisters can be very distressing both for you and for them. There is no right or wrong time to tell your family you are HIV positive. Some people tell them immediately, some after many years, and some never tell them. You are in the best position to know what and when they would like to know, and how and when to tell them.

Friends

A close friend can be a source of invaluable support when you are upset, confused, angry, or need to talk things through. You may have a friend you know instinctively you can trust to tell that you have HIV and look for support. However, you should still take time to think things through.

Think about:

Why you want to tell a friend or friends
The likely impact on your friendship
How they might react
How they would feel if you didn’t tell them and they found out from another source

Remember, friends might talk among themselves or to other people about your health. It is very important that you make it clear to them if you want them to keep the information to themselves.


As a general rule, employers do not need to know about your HIV status. However if you work in healthcare, you are obliged to inform your occupational health physician, and avoid performing invasive procedures.

It may not be a good idea to disclose you status to your employer if you are not sure that your employer will treat the issue sensitively. There is a danger that your personal information may be made public and you may suffer discrimination as a result.

However, some employers have an HIV best practice policy in place and offer very good support to people living with HIV. This will include making reasonable adjustments to your working conditions and allowing time off for hospital appointments or to deal with periods of sickness. They will also have stringent measures in place to protect your confidentiality.

If you want your employer’s support you could speak to your manager or human resources manager and explain that you have a medical condition which is kept under control by medication, which means that it does not affect your ability to do the job. It may help to arrange a letter from your doctor confirming this information, without naming HIV.

In the UK, people with HIV are protected from the point of diagnosis under the Disability Discrimination Act. This means that they cannot be refused a job because of their HIV status, and that an employer has to make ’reasonable adjustments’ to make it possible for them to do their work.

It is important to be aware that Disability Discrimination Law has not been enacted in Jersey. Therefore this legal protection is not available to people living here.


Everyone who is HIV positive should be registered with a GP. There are good medical reasons to tell your doctor that you are HIV positive. In order to provide you with the best possible medical care it is important that they know if you have any serious medical conditions, including HIV, or if you are taking medication prescribed to you by a hospital specialist.

Doctors are not allowed to refuse to register you because you are HIV-positive, or discriminate against you in any way because you are HIV-positive or because of your sexuality, sex or lifestyle. They also have a responsibility to ensure that your personal information remains confidential. One important exception is that information will normally be shared within the healthcare team and other health workers who give you care. However, you can ask you doctor not to do this, and unless it would put another worker in danger, the doctor must respect your wishes.

People are often concerned that informing their GP that they have HIV could have implications in respect of insurance cover. If you apply for life insurance or a mortgage that requires life insurance, your GP may be asked about your HIV status. He or she needs your consent to answer, but has to answer honestly.

You should be aware that if you fail to tell a life insurance company that you are HIV-positive when you apply for a home loan it could have serious consequences later. For more information see Care>Financial matters and HIV>Insurance


When you register with a dentist, you will be asked to fill out a form describing your medical history. This may ask if you are HIV-positive or have other illnesses such as hepatitis B or C. Alternatively a dentist may ask you if you are HIV-positive. Dentists have a responsibility to ensure that your dental records are confidential.

According to the professional body for UK dentists, a dentist should not discriminate against you because you disclose your HIV status.

Sadly, this has not always been the case. Dentists have sometimes claimed that they have refused treatment in order to protect themselves and their other patients from HIV. This is not acceptable. Standard sterilisation and infection control procedures are sufficient to ensure that no patient poses a risk to dental staff or other patients.

Telling your dentist you have HIV can have benefits. They can check for certain gum problems that can occur more often in people with HIV. Also, it is wise to tell your dentist if you are taking any medication prescribed to treat HIV or any other infections, as dentists may need to use drugs that could interact with them.

If you are worried about telling a dentist, then ask your HIV specialist to recommend one.


A pharmacist may ask you what medicines you are taking when they dispense a prescription or when you buy over-the-counter medication. Some over-the-counter medicines, for example hay fever tablets, can interact dangerously with certain anti-HIV drugs.

If you do need over-the-counter medicines on a regular basis, it might be wise to discuss this with your HIV doctor in order to ensure your confidentiality is protected.


Many people with HIV use complementary therapists, such as acupuncturists. If you do, and you decide to disclose your health status to them, it should not make a difference to the kind of therapy they offer you.
However, complementary practitioners are not as well regulated as medical professionals. Therefore, you may wish to check confidentiality policies before disclosing any health details.
If you are advised to take any complementary or alternative therapy, check with your doctor or HIV pharmacist that it is safe. Some alternative medicines, such as the herbal anti-depressant St John’s wort, can stop some anti-HIV drugs working properly. Even if you tell a complementary practitioner that you are taking anti-HIV drugs, it is not certain that they will know of any possible dangerous interactions.


Providing your child with information about HIV, whether it’s in relation to your own or their health, will be a process. You’re likely to find that even very young children will want to know why you, or they, have to see a doctor, go to a clinic, or take medicines. Talking about ’goodies’ or ’baddies’ in the blood, or about bugs or viruses might allow you to talk truthfully and build an understanding of health and illness, without actually mentioning HIV. It’s possible, even likely, that your child will be asked by friends why he or she needs to take medicines, go to the hospital all the time, or has been unwell. Talking you your child about his or her HIV, and coming up with some potential answers to awkward questions will be helpful. By the time your child is about ten it is generally agreed that it is best that he or she knows that they have HIV, that they need to have blood and other tests to monitor it, and if they are taking anti-HIV drugs, that they need to take these to control HIV. At this age you may also find that your child wants to become more involved in discussions and decisions about their treatment and care. Free booklets and fact sheets on all the above issues are available at ACET’s Information Centre